I pride m self to be the cold, logical ass. I take pride in my work and I like to do it to the best of my ability. But some while back I was a completely different person.
I usually dont talk about my feelings and myself. I usually talk about the ideas or notions that I find iniriging. I know that makes me a very boring person and the evidence is this blog to say the least. I also dont befriend many people, but I am loyal and honest and concerned about those who I do, and not for the obvious reasons as I ll explain later.
So now that I m waiting for some things to pan out, I have a lot of time to ponder about various things. So I wrote this ‘thing’ on my iPhone the other day just spontaneously, and it turns out that I could nt stop, and whats more, it was about people. And since it was me writing it, you can expect it to be cynical and boring, ravings of the same old mad man. I decided not to post it here as it was just crazy long and no one ever comes here to read anything, so I decided to write this. A summary for just my benefit, so that I could number and modularize my life.
What sort of relationships intrigue me the most? Well this question was asked by someone quite close to me a long time ago and I did nt have an answer then, but I do now. Actually the question was slightly different and my interpretation of the question was even more different back then. But in retrospect, this seems to be a more appropriate question to answer. And now that this question is only the remnants of a memory, like a few other shelved into the category of dead ends, I think I should answer it and close this case file once and for all.
So what I know now is that, I like to anticipate, I dont like the now but the whats-to-come, and when I have that whats-to-come, it looses all its grandeur just because I have it. I dont appreciate the things I have yet I appreciate the things I dont, And I work hard to get them. The things I dont get to have ultimately, are the things that I cherish the most. So, what does this have to do with relationships? Well, it would follow logically that I dont like the ones I have and I like the ones that I dont and probably can never have.
I tend to not like or open to people easily, but when I do, I tend to form a bond, and sometimes I may misread the bounds during this period, but that is besides the point. The growth of the relationship when people tend to learn about each other (or the so called the thrill of the case) is what I enjoy the most. And when I think I have learned enough, they become boring and mundane. At such a juncture I dont cut people off, I just stop paying attention.
So what sort of relationships do I like? I dont like them at all, I probably just like the thing that I m going to learn the next day. I would probably like to talk to the person who is at a distance minding thier own besiness and not talking to anyone at all. I ll probably talk to them because they look interesting or attractive. And I ll probably talk to them enough to want to meet them the next day and learn something new. But here is where things get really interesting.
What if I dont meet them tomorrow? What if I dont learn that thing I was supposed to? Then it starts to eat at me and consume me like an obsession. I need to know the why, I need to know the reason I did nt get to meet them, or the reason why I lost them. And it turns bad, and I get sucked into an abyss where I just keep on thinking and speculating what happened and what could have happened and what should have happened. And after a while, I start blaming someone, me or the other person. Thats where things become ugly. I start shutting of pathways leading to me, just to keep away either me from that person, or that person from me, depending on who I end up blaming.
So there it is, the anatomy of my relationships, be it my parents, my brothers, my relatives, cousins, acquintances, even myself or part of myself. So its either I loose interest, or I turn into a…. I dont know what to call it. People, look for their soulmates, I probably look for the next intrigue. People look for love, I look for the next best things. People look for some thing, I dont even know what I look for.
Maybe I really am as crazy as they say I am.
Recent Comments